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December 23, 2008

Grieving The Holidays

Loss is an inevitable part of life. But it can be especially difficult during the holidays, especially if this is the first Christmas without a loved one. Some general concepts for dealing with grief are appropriate for this time of year, but the holidays pose some special challenges.

I remember the Christmas after my grandfather passed away. We had a tradition where my grandparents sat at the ends of the long table, like bookends that held the family together. What was awful was that first Christmas, opposite my grandmother, my father, the next oldest person in the family, was seated in his place. My poor father was so uncomfortable. It was not lost on anybody at the table that he was the next male in the family in line to die. For years after that, we took turns sitting on my grandfather's place at the table in pairs. First was my uncle and my cousin together, then me and my aunt, the year following that, my sister and her fiancé. It seemed more fitting that way.

Some holiday traditions change radically following the loss of a family member. Many years later, after my father passed away, Thanksgiving became a potluck affair that rarely featured turkey. In fact, we made it into an opportunity to show off signature dishes that we had acquired over the year and exchange recipes. Other families skip cooking all together and begin a new tradition of going out to eat on Thanksgiving. Chinese turkey anybody?

Some people revamp the holiday completely. I know one family that picked up and went to France for Christmas. This is probably beyond most people's means and may feel a bit too radical for families who hold tradition dear. But a change of scene may not be a bad idea. If celebrating Christmas at grandmother's house has been the family tradition, why not let somebody else host the celebration this year?

Creating new traditions around loss is not a new idea for coping with grief. It doesn't have to be a radical change or anything big. Rather than avoiding painful grief the way my family did that first Christmas without my grandfather, plan to take time for remembrance. Make room for sharing funny or heartfelt stories about your relative. The good memories are bittersweet, but they will sustain you for a lifetime.

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Posted by linda at December 23, 2008 10:53 AM